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February 2009 
Do you pay much attention to what others think of you?
Posted on Dec 6th, 2007
by 
Scott
Scott
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for December 06, 2007:
Yes, duh.
Can't help it, really. Growing up INTJ (the most rare of the 16 types) you always feel weird, like no one else sees the world the way you do, and it made me triangulate against what others perceived as "normal," and I still sometimes do.
All I can hope is that I'm not overly concerned with what others think of me. On most days, I'm just fine, thank you.
Can't help it, really. Growing up INTJ (the most rare of the 16 types) you always feel weird, like no one else sees the world the way you do, and it made me triangulate against what others perceived as "normal," and I still sometimes do.
All I can hope is that I'm not overly concerned with what others think of me. On most days, I'm just fine, thank you.
Access: Public
16 types of what ?- Kidding, I know thats you M-B profile. I forgot mine. Those tests tell you what you are like at a given point in time - they shouldn't predict how you live the rest of your life or percieve yourself. Anyway being different is good - it gives you an edge
Oh, I agree, and once you're an adult and in-the-world and interacting with far more people than the town you came from, things open up. With that said, it's inevitable that certain scripts get written in one's head, and then one spends some effort dealing with them later.
I'm not saying that this rules my life, just that it's a part of what shaped me (and since I didn't even know about MBTI until I was 28, I didn't even know it). It's one influence among many, but the triangulation against “normal” still does sometimes happen for me. Maybe it's part of growing up in the suburbs, who knows?
KW just talked on a video recently about how the very fact that we're on this path and pushing the leading edge of evolution means that “normal” will never get us, and you will have arrows in your back, and this will not be easy, and the center of cultural development will act as a sink that pulls you down, etc. And that's all true. So, you know, being concerned with “normal” isn't always a good thing, and I'm not saying it is… just that I do fall into that habit sometimes.
I'm an INTJ myself (I tested as an INTJ at 19, and I still test INTJ today), and while most teenagers were going to the mall and dating and doing “Teenager things” (that I looked down upon, but they wern't including me anyway, but then I wasn't exactly nice to them either), I was hanging out in libraries and reading science fiction novels and watching movies like “Slaughterhouse Five” (which some think is a slasher film and wonder about the first four). Anyway, I always paid attention to what people thought about me, but I created a hard shell of intellectual arrogance (as well as other behaviors best described as anti-social) to keep others at arms length, and later on pretty much out of my life. Of course, most people don't go down the road as far as I did, where professional help is required or else face to a grim alternative.
Today, I try to be mindful of the people I come into contact with, although lately I've been struggling. At work I've fallen into “these people are idiots” mode in regards to some of the higher ups atthe company I work for and then next thing I knew I'm chewing out my co-workers for thier so called “imcompitence” and I'm wanting to march into the CEO's office and tell him exactly how his company should be run, thinking “man, if I was in charge of this project none of this BS would be happening and the salesforce would be happy and you guys are just a bunch of “company men” l'm gonna get the union in here there's gonna be some changes in here and…”. Oh boy, I hate having to apoliogize for how I treat people, and last week at work I had to do exactly that. My ego was in Maximum Overdrive.
Anyway, even though I generally try to keep others opinion of me in the “none of my business” file, I do prefer being thought of as a kind person as opposed to a hotheaded arrogant jerk.
But it would be rather foolish of me to expect people to think of me as a kind person if I go around acting like a hotheaded arrogant jurk., wouldn't it?
David… first of all, welcome to Zaadz! I certainly had that intellectual arrogance as well (somewhere, I think I hear a friend or two saying, “What do you mean 'had?!?'”) and it was, of course, simply a defense mechanism. Being a teenager is really, really difficult in any reasonably developed society and we all get through the difficulties as best as we can.
I personally have always been a fairly nice guy (if sometimes wrapped up in those defense mechanisms), so I didn't carry the same anger that you do, but I'm sure you already know that anger and INTJ-ness are separate issues, although they can feed on each other in fairly destructive ways. I frequently see the same kinds of things at work that you do, and all I've tried to do is to befriend those who choose to be in power and make suggestions with the most solid reasoning behind it that I can find. If it works, great. If it doesn't, great. Kind of Bodhisattva-at-work: speak the truth, but first ensure that everyone knows that you're speaking that truth from a place of both personal and company loyalty, and from a place of love or caring.
I don't know if it's of any use to you, but one thing that I've figured out about group dynamics of any kind - politics, work, athletics, whatever - is that when imperfect human beings get together with other imperfect human beings, perfection does not ensue. Ever.
It doesn't mean that I stop trying to improve things around me… just that I do what I can and then accept that outcomes frequently are imperfect, and that's OK. Homo sapiens has inhabited the planet for like 50,000 years and we're still here, so imperfection must not be fatal.
Don't forget… mindfulness practices of any kind (prayer, meditation, yoga, etc.) are about (among other things) the relief of suffering. When it's most difficult, return to them. And return to them. And return to them. Rinse and repeat. :-)
And my favorite was definitely Slaughterhouse II: The Wrath of Khan. ;-)